I originally began writing this poem when it started to shift from my subconscious to my conscious mind that my most recent long-term relationship was on its last leg. It was winter 2022, and everything felt bleak, heartless, and hopeless. but at the same time, I also knew that I was on the brink of learning some important things about myself and rediscovering how to connect with my own inner fire. The act of writing this poem was an exercise in intentionally burning myself to the ground and trusting that what I rebuilt would be better. Honestly, as it turns out, the version of me that emerged from the ashes is stronger, bolder, and more striking than I could have ever imagined. Yet, despite her tribulations, she has also perfected the art of remaining tender and opening her heart to the world. She exists utterly beyond the wildest dreams of her previous incarnation.
The image that I chose to pair with this poem is a natural fit — it's the one I had emblazoned in my mind's eye while writing it. It's a portrait by one of my favorite photographers with whom I've had the privilege of working, Ryan Chard Smith. I asked Ryan to come up to Humboldt County to take portraits of me and my partner at the time in celebration of our five-year anniversary. It feels so tragic in just the right way that a few months later, when I was beginning to feel that same relationship unravel, I found myself coming back time and again to the way I look and feel in this individual portrait that was technically taken during our anniversary session. This portrait makes me feel powerful, beautiful, and starkly alone. And, in many ways, this poem is about the dual-edged sword that fierce independence represents. As much as we relish freedom and fierceness, sometimes there's a price that comes with wielding that power. It's a delight to be abstract and ethereal, but it can feel lonely, too. I hope that this poem evokes that spectrum of emotion and the complexity that comes with it. I hope it moves you like ocean waves. It certainly did for me to write it.
amor y besos,
firefly
words BY FIREFLY MIZERA | IMAGE BY RYAN CHARD SMITH
she’s a glitch
she’s a plane crash
she’s a high speed chase
she’s an egg, unhatched
she’s a liminal space
she’s gravity, she’ll hold you down
she’s a riptide, she’ll let you drown
she’s a connecting flight you almost missed
she’s magnetic, she’s a tryst
she’s a glance
she’s a pause
she’s the ancient floorboards of a great hall
she’s a grain of sand on the shores of the cosmic ocean
she’s a particle and a wave
she’s perpetual motion
she’s a dream you’ll forget as soon as you wake
she’s on the tip of your tongue
she’s an earthquake
she’s a howling november wind
she’s a hurricane, she’ll tear you apart
she’s a siren, she’s a mastermind
she’ll break your heart
she’s the toll of church bells, she’ll call you when your phone’s on silent
she’s rare, she’s a diamond
she’s a spark, she’s a fire
she’s cryptic, she’s a cipher
she’s a storm
she’s a breath
she’s alive
she’s warm
she’ll bend; you can’t break her
she’ll run; you can’t take her
she’ll float away, she’ll disappear
she’s an abyss, she’s a mirror
she’ll destroy you and be better for it
and the best part is, you’ll enjoy it
she’ll devour you and still be hungry
she’s relentless, she’s the sea
she’s a song
she’s a current
she’s a moonbeam
she’s emergent
she’s soft
she’s a kiss
she’s that thing you’ll always miss
she’s a high you’ll chase forever
she’s bliss –
– but she would never.
